I have suffered How about you?

My Story Part 1

Let me go back a step and start from my teen years where I was diagnosed with depression! I knew I was emotional and not greatly confident within myself (but portrayed I was on the outside) although I did not understand why I felt the way I did… So, I just lived each day as MY NORMAL.

Moving into my 20’s I was working and met my first husband got married and in 2001 had my first child 7weeks 6 days premature it was a difficult situation to be in, our lives revolved around the NICU no matter what I was feeling it was just MY NORMAL, I had been going through an emotional time as my marriage was not healthy so my Dr had prescribed me anti-depressants to help my mental health which did seem to help me. Then fast forward a few years and in 2004 baby #2 was on the way and my marriage had gotten worse and so had my mental health I was merely living/surviving.

My husband had his own issues with mental health but refused to admit it, after realising something needed to change, while still pregnant with baby #2 I left my husband. We in a refuge for a while as I had no family close by. Then I made the decision to go back to my husband things were ok for a few weeks then everything went back to normal. Time goes by and I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, I was so in love with my children they were my world. But I was still not happy within!

I decided I wanted to learn more about my mental health and started to see a psychologist who helped me work through some things that had happened earlier in my life that I had not dealt with, now this was an exceedingly difficult process, but it helped me see the reality of my then current situation and that had to face things that I had been avoiding, my husband had an extremely bad gambling addiction and no matter how much I tried to help him change I could not do it for him.

I decided to take my kids to visit my mum have a bit of a break and try to sort out the cloudiness in my head. While I was there, I got a call from my husband saying he was wanting to end his life, we spoke for a long time and the call ended well. This had come out of the blue to me I had no idea why he had said this UNTIL I got back home to learn that he had been having an affair and now the woman was pregnant…

This sent me into shock I did not know what was going through my head, but I told him that’s ok as long as it’s over we can work this out it will be ok it’s not the baby’s fault it will always be welcome in our home, well things just got worse as time went on his gambling and lying got worse our relationship was non-existent and I was basically a single mum with 2 small children trying to make ends meet, July 2006 the other baby was born

In 2007 I had stepped up within myself and was working in pharmacy while the kids were in kindy and day-care I was feeling like a better version of myself even though my husband was still having an affair and playing games with myself and the other woman, we lost our house and then were renting a property when he decided to give 2wks notice to the landlord that we were leaving (unbeknown to me) until 3 days prior to the DAY, we had all our furniture out of the house but my 2 kids and I stayed in the house sleeping on the floor for 2 nights because we had nowhere to go. I still got them to school and went to work then we found a local refuge and stayed there until we had another house to move into.

AGAIN I went back wanting to believe things would change and be different BUT I went back this time with a belief in myself that I hadn’t had for a very long time (if ever) knowing that we deserved better and that as much as I wanted our marriage to work I could & would do it on my own if necessary, I was still working and I absolutely loved my job it gave me a feeling I never had before a sense of pride within ME & the thought I was helping people within my community was amazing.

On the outside looking in nobody at work had an inkling of what my REAL life was like, they had no idea we had been living in a refuge let alone sleeping on the floor in an empty house and told by the government I didn’t qualify for HELP because I earnt $14 more per fortnight than I was allowed to earn to be eligible for emergency assistance. In June 2007 I was at work and my husband was looking after the kids, I got a call saying he was leaving, and I had to come home, I was not due to finish for another hour but he told me he was leaving anyway! My boss let me go BUT this was during the big floods I only had to drive from Wallsend to Jesmond I will be ok I kept telling myself as I drove towards my children, having to turn around at 3 separate areas due to flooding!

This left me 1 other option to get there and that meant driving down Bluegum Rd Jesmond I drove through water that was up to the top of my bonnet I had water splashing over the windscreen and just kept praying to make it home to my children, and I did. It was that night that I made the choice to not be a victim within my relationship anymore, I sat down with my husband several days later and spoke about EVERYTHING which led to him seeing a DR and getting medication for depression and seeing a psychologist to work through his issues which seemed to be helping, he was opening up more and seemed better within himself. But one day he was with the kids and we met at a park after I finished work and he had been drinking and driving while the kids were in the car with him, then I found something in the glovebox of my car that scared me, when I confronted him he told me that he had only had it a couple of times to make him feel better because the anti-depressants made him feel NOT HIMSELF.

I was in shock I could not believe I had fallen for this AGAIN now he was using ICE to make himself numb, I took a few days to try and get some things in place for the kids and myself until I found drugs in the house and that was IT. It was 20th July 2007 and I ended it our relationship was over for good we both knew this time was different if only I had known how different.

To Be Continued………..

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