I have suffered part 2

 My Story Part 2

If you missed part 1 click on the link to read

https://ninelivesartistry.com.au/blogs/i-have-suffered-how-about-you/i-have-suffered-how-about-you

It was the 20th of July 2007 and I had just ended our marriage and we both knew this time was different, I took my husband to his family restaurant where he worked and went home feeling a sense of relief although a sense of loss!

The next day was a Saturday and was a beautiful sunny day the kids had been playing outside while I was cleaning the car. They had just gone inside and asked to watch a movie, I put a movie on for them and went back out to finish the car. Soon after (my son) who came out and said dad just called, I asked what he said, he told me “Oh nothing he just said he loved me and to listen to mum and look after my sister” …. I asked if dad wanted to speak to me, he said no! which to me was a relief but unusual at the same time.

Our day went on I went inside and made some lunch then at 2.05pm and I looked at the clock and had an extremely strange feeling come over me, I shook it off and the next thing I remember was a knock at the door it was somewhere between 5.30-6.30, I think.

I opened the door to see 2 of my husband’s cousins I was not expecting! the kids were so excited to see them, but I could tell by their faces something was wrong, one of them stayed with the kids and I went with the other into another room

We walked into my son’s room closed the door and with the look on his face I knew within me. I don’t remember what he said at that moment I just remember crying out NO and my legs falling out from under me, I felt the need to ask when?  He said it was between 2-2.10pm but they had only just taken him away. Then I thought of his other child, so I called S to let her know she had a right to know...

 I just could not stay at home, so we spent the night with the cousins and the kids did not know yet they thought we were just going for a fun sleepover. When we got there, I got them set up and into bed then I went to see my mother-in-law. Her house was full of people wanting to pay their respects, but she just sat there in shock, and I sat on the front steps and called my mum to let her know that he was gone.

The next morning, I called work to let them know I needed time off & I sat my kids down and told them that their dad had died, that his heart stopped, and the Dr’s could not help him. My daughter was only just 3 and my son was just shy of 6 so they did not understand. I don’t remember much of the next couple of days except, I drove to the place where it happened, and I sat there talking to him YELLING at him crying…

My mum came up to be with us and look after the kids for part of funeral, I remember coming home from the funeral telling mum I feel so guilty…… I know it wasn’t my fault I had tried for so many years to help, I had so many emotions going through me I was lost. I was grieving the father of my children, the husband I wanted, the man who was meant to help raise our children, BUT the feelings which overwhelmed me RELIEF & GUILT. My Dr put me back onto my antidepressants to help me deal with the situation as I was certainly not in a good mental state. I felt relieved that our lives would not be showered in lies, gambling, drugs, debt, insecurity etc and due to that relief, I felt guilty! HOW can I be relieved when my children’s father is no longer here, HOW can I feel relief when they don’t have a dad to look up to, HOW selfish are you???

At night I would sit at my computer and write him letters, letting out my feelings ALL of them the good the bad and the UGLY. In the car the kids would ask why we always listen to the same (Kelly Clarkson) CD…. I just said because I like the music, I would sing letting out more of my feelings the kids would sing with me not knowing how it was helping me!

I was communicating with child psychologists to make sure I was doing right by my children and their grieving, I always talked to them about their dad and didn’t want them to feel like they couldn’t talk about him.

In September I decided to throw a 6th b’day party my son we had it at home I wanted to make new happy memories there and it was the first time in months I saw him really smile and have fun.

I am a believer in GOD, but I will admit that I did lose my way in those first couple of months I had started drinking at night to help get to sleep and I was just going through the motions wake up take kids to preschool & school, go to work etc etc.

Its October 21st, 2007, and I stopped smoking & drinking realising clearly that I am the only one responsible for taking care of my children and raising them to be the best they can be…… I have not touched either one since!

February 2008, I lost my job… This hit me like a ton of bricks, and I went home so confused and angry I LOVED my job, how was I going to pay rent and support my kids now.

My friend sat me down and said it’s time for a new chapter! Let’s get your CV out print copies and take them around to pharmacies, so that’s what we did, and I had a new job within 2wks!!

My new job was 40min away, so I decided best to start a new start completely, so we got a new house closer to work and new schools for the kids and we started fresh, the kids loved their new schools I loved my job and I had been enjoying my life again. I enjoyed the work for 4years then I knew I needed more, my income was minimal, and I saw an opportunity to jump from pharmacy assistant to pharmaceutical representative which would increase my income by $20,000 so I made the leap.

My life has completely turned around I was happy my children were happy; I was saving money and I and found LOVE…... After years I felt our family was somewhat whole again, my family had grown as my husband had a son who I love as my own!

I won’t say everything in life from then on has been roses, blending two families is not easy but with a mutual respect and trust most things can be overcome…

We have since had 2 more children to add to our brady bunch and I have suffered depression continuously along with anxiety, I have seen a great psychologist who has helped me unravel some things that happened in my younger days by a trusted family member which is the root of why I have these anxieties and insecurities but I have learnt of ways for me to cope better and honestly just knowing the WHY has been the biggest relief for me……..

I found my creativity by accident, but quickly realised how great it made me feel so I continued doing little things until one day NINE LIVES ARTISTRY was born now I strive to help others find theirs too!

 Merriam 

 

Make sure you make time to create the best version of YOU!



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